Single for 29 Valentine’s Days and still counting. An African Lady’s Experience
It's a relief from the intense love emotions that filled the universe on Valentine’s day. The performative display of love among partners has taken a back seat. Until next year, there won’t be another day dedicated for lovers and couples to take over the world. A single person like myself can get back on track with other people in the world and feel included.
The thought of feeling excluded for 1 out of 365 days can bother someone who has not learned to let go of Valentine's blues and fantasies. Being single on Valentine’s day may not be a big deal in western societies but it is most likely for an African lady who is on the verge of turning 30. The African culture expectation that an African woman should not only find her man at 25 years old but also become a mother remains a stubborn reality, despite the many rising contradictory opinions about this unhealthy life expectancy. It is still an African stronghold.
Men, on the other hand, are likely exempt from this pressure, except perhaps if they are the first or only male child in a family with “golden roofs.” Even those with no roofs at all can still place this as a priority for their male child. When this is the case, a man nearing 30 without a spouse might feel like an alien in his own family, subjected to constant inquiries about marriage from his parents. The cliche "when will you marry ?" becomes his early and late-night whispers.
I have spent almost 3 decades on earth, yet I am still the way I came to the world—single. I have witnessed 29 Valentine's Days with similar memories—no flowers, no ring, no husband, and no children. On that day, I either splurge on myself or get along with my routine in life.
I feel it’s unfair that the world has dedicated a day to celebrate intimate love but none for single people. Let’s be honest, while love is a universal language and is cascaded in all aspects—between parent and child, sister and brother and other platonic affiliations—we know that the type of love between a man and a woman takes the most applause on Valentine’s day. Thus, we should not pretend anymore and blame singles who may feel forlorn on that day. While it’s plausible to pay the orphanage home a visit on Valentine’s day, it is also a good feeling to receive an expense-paid trip to the Seychelles with your man.
In Africa, it is almost compulsory to start your family, regardless, the reality is that not every one must find a lover and build a family. Everyone desires but not everyone receives it. The lines- “I am content being single forever” or “I am not interested in rearing a family” is not a culture in the black hood. The single people who gave up on the desire to get married did not decide ab initio. Life happened and they found joy and contentment in the path life chose for them.
How have I been keeping up with marking Valentine's day alone but not lonely? I have invested in either being nonchalant about the day or intentionally dressing up and spoiling myself. I recommend these tips for ladies who may be in the same boat as me. To prevent your boat from capsizing as you sail and strongly anticipate the day you will alight from the boat, be your own Valentine!! Love you. Treat you. Pamper you. I recall the one time I was in a relationship on Valentine's day, but I still did not make the memory that should have been sufficient to wipe away the long years of being single. I am not nostalgic about that one Valentine. “Nearly cannot kill a bird,” and so was that experience. I am still expecting that Valentine's day experience that would be enriching enough to make me forget that I survived for 29 years without the love of my life.
Well, my 29th Valentine's on earth is history now. I look forward to the 30th one. I hope that it opens a new epoch where I will be counting my Valentine’s day with not just my lover but with my husband.